That is something I’ve been told about myself for years. From those that I hold close and dear to my heart, and from those whom I haven’t known for a very long time. Every time I’ve heard it, it use to make me feel like a big baby. That I was too emotional. Easily hurt. It translated in the same way as, “You wear your heart on your sleeve.” I didn’t really know how to take it? It honestly use to make me feel embarrassed a little.
But I’ve embraced it in recent years. It’s apart of who I am. And it’s ok to care. My compassion for others will never change. I put myself out there. I try to connect with people. I want to get to know them. I hate when others feel uncomfortable in social settings, I always want them to feel accepted. Some of the same notions are also apart of my job as a Personal Shopper. Working in retail you work with the public. Your job is to make
customer “connections”. And that’s what I do. And for me it’s one of the best parts of my job. I feel it comes naturally for me. That I’m able to make others feel at ease. And it’s always my goal to make that person feel better than when they first walked through the door. My intent is always genuine. No matter if I’m at work, or not.
There’s that point when someone goes from being an acquaintance to a friend. You make plans to hang out. You start planning social events together, or at least including each other in your plans. And you think to yourself, “Hey I’ve made a great new friend!” It’s an unconscious decision that is made (for me anyway), but one that when realized, is such a great feeling to know.
But sometimes those friendships that you thought were becoming so close, well…aren’t. In a short amount of time I’ve learned that even though you think you’ve made a great new friend, someone you consider apart of your immediate circle, doesn’t always feel the same way. Signals were crossed. You’ve misread the signs. And “doh!” you’re the one that isn’t apart of the circle.
It’s been a painful experience I won’t deny it. My feelings have been hurt. Hey, I’m human, ok? But it’s been a good lesson to learn. I use to say, “If you can count how many friends you have on one hand (truly good friends), then you’re one fortunate person.”
And that inevitably is the truth. Not everyone you come across in this world is meant to be your friend. Or what your definition of a friend is. You can have an amazing connection, memorable times, and some really great laughs, but sometimes that’s as far as it was meant to be. It doesn’t always translate to the other person as a friendship.
I know this may sound a little like a pity party for myself, but it really isn’t. These moments in time when I actually get to jot down what I’m feeling in the actual moment, is a rarity these days. So I’m taking full advantage of this moment. Right. Now.
It’s definitely a release, and to be able to read out loud what I feel helps me in a huge way. It’s kind of therapeutic, and let’s me see things right in front of me, instead of it rolling around in my head haphazardly.
I think the reason why it hurts so much for me, is because all my life my friends have been my family. I’m the product of divorced parents. Raised by a single mother who worked two jobs and went to school at night to achieve her dream and to make a better life for her and her child. A father who I never truly got to know, because for as long as I’ve known him, each day has/is a battle because of his mental illness. I didn’t grow up in a huge loving & supportive family. My love and support came from my mom and my small inner group of friends. I never took for granted the friendships I made growing up. If anything, I cherished them.
They were everything to me. And still are. Very much.
I will still be me. I will still put myself out there. But maybe with just a dip of the toe in the water at first from now on.
So I’m the person with the huge heart.
And ya know what? I’m ok with that.